Hush Money
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who take hush money and those who don’t. One tries to keep people from telling the truth while the other tries to keep people from burying it.
The former usually deals in cash in meat lockers and dimly lit alleyways so there’s little trace when NCIS starts sniffing around under a $200,000 microscope. Sometimes they get listed on the stock exchange for everyone to see without ever having to admit something went wrong when it inevitably does – like it did a generation ago at Three Mile Island, Bhopal and Chernobyl and more recently at Enron, Halliburton, and Countrywide. Both usually end up in court settling for pennies on the dollar with a slap on the old Rolex and an all expenses paid vacation to the big house for a couple haircuts.
Claim Dough for College Using Your Cellphone!
Well, not this bad penny. Not Student Nation. We don’t deal in hush money. We deal in truth – big truths – like it’s no secret 25,000 children die every day from diseases that cost pennies to prevent, or when they do the numbers on NPR and say the unemployment rate is at 10%, when what they really mean is 25% of all workers between the ages of 25 and 45 can’t find a job and that number is closer to half in big cities if people told the truth.
That’s our job. To speak out and tell the truth so you don’t have to fill your head with lies like it’s some kind of game to see who can graduate with the most hush money. We’re done with lies. The world is full of Ph.Ds in lying and nothing hides a lie better than a fistful of cash – usually disguised these days as research in the pocket of the Pentagon. Ask any accountant.
100% Deductible
Better yet, ask the IRS. Cash is a sneaky business – but nobody said anything about texting when they said money – or the love of money – is the root of all evil. As one of the first public charities to go cash-free on the books, we will be sending out text messages from now on to claim all funds raised for college using your cellphone. You know, like you did when you gave $10 for Haiti – only the other way round – this time all gifts go straight to your bank without passing go and risking a lengthy stay in the big house.
